The Darkness In Fate
by Pokiepup
Summary: Told from Bo's pov. Just a small, angst fic. Her thoughts on Lauren, Life and Their Relationship. Haven't decided to continue or not.
1. Chapter 1

**The Darkness In Fate**

I stare up at the empty night's sky, there aren't any large buildings near well not in masses anyway yet there's still no stars. It's been weeks upon weeks I've been coming up here staring for hours and I have yet to see one lousy star. Guess it fits my luck. I let my attention drift down over the ledge and despite the fact there is plenty going on down there. Couples walking by, a couple having a heated argument across the street just barely in ear shot, key word being barley but yet my attention focuses on my bare feet and the exposed skin of my legs that the sheet is failing to cover. It's cold tonight, enough to cause a series of goosebumps across my skin, enough that I can see my own breath but it still not enough to make me go back inside.

My attention slowly returns to the darkened sky, it always does and the sounds of the world beneath me drown out. My hand that's holding the sheet around my otherwise bare body grips tighter when another cool breeze passes, guess I wasn't prepared for that one or maybe it's just getting colder. I think I hear steps and my body tenses but again it's just the wind. Thank God. This is my place. The place that's only for me. Me and her. It's secret. Not even Kenzi knows although she is Kenzi and that means she is a Bo-pedia so I'm sure shes figured something out but she doesn't ask and I won't mention it.

When the cruel, unfair events of life become to rough to bear I come here. When I miss her I come here. When I'm lonely or sad I come here. When I want to feel her—i come her thus why I'm here every night. I come up here to feel close to her. To be at peace. I remember the way that things use to be. I remember when things were simple in their own complicated way of us. But now—no simplicity. No answers. Just an emptiness that I can never seem to fill. A sadness I can never seem to shake. Thoughts that never seem to leave me as though I'm being haunted. Sometimes it gets so bad I just want to scream at the top of my lungs but then I remember it's the only way I get to see her. I can remember conversations we've had perfectly but I no longer remember the sound of her voice. I remember she is the most beautiful creation I've ever seen but it's difficult at times to remember every detail of her face, of her body. Those little details are slowly slipping away.

Little memories too. Not the big ones. Not the gut wrenching fights. Not the tears and heartbreak. Of course not those moments. Just the little ones like the time I found out her favorite food or the times we'd stay up on the phone. I know they happened but the details just seem to be slipping away ever so subtly that I hadn't really noticed them getting away. Guess that's how it always happens huh? With everyday that passed another little detail slipped away and with each one I find this void growing. It's sad really when one person can do this much damage to you. But the sadness of that little fact really doesn't register all that much, just on nights when I get drunk and angry then I focus on that instead of the sadness. The emptiness.

I think the emptiness is worse to be honest. I think that for the fact that, that was what I've tried to fill a thousand times over. Not the sadness, just the emptiness. I tired sleeping around and getting drunk but didn't work and caused me several interventions so I decided to fall back into old patterns. She'd laugh I know. She always said I would. But having sex with him had become sex. Not love making. It wouldn't even be considered fucking considering that there isn't enough passion in it. Just as well it didn't help the void just made it worse. A reminder I guess. I've learned that after we're done I can never look in the mirror. I tried it once or twice and nearly broke down. So instead if I get weak and attempt to drown out the emptiness after it I sneak away and just come up here.

My heart skips a beat as the memory of our first time drift to the forefront of my memories. It wasn't our actual first time to be honest. Or even our second, it was out third but we—well I considered it our real first time. Our actual first time was tainted but what followed, our second was tainted by the fact that we thought we'd never see each other again. True they were amazing times and I was a little surprised at how amazing she was not that I'd ever tell her that but still. Our 'first' time wasn't long after we beat the Gurruda. And it was—it was life changing. It was beyond words amazing. It was slow and gentle. And God knows I was nervous, the butterflies I had I was sure were going to rip a hole in my stomach luckily that didn't happen. It was so different then anything I had ever experienced. It was safe and innocent something I guess real first times are supposed to be. Never had I ever felt more complete then I did that night.

I've loved her for as long as I can remember. I don't even remember a life before her. I know I had one obviously but it just feels like shes always been there. Trick told me once the smoke had settled from the Gurruda that he didn't approve of the match as he called it. Surprisingly for several reasons. For the fact she was human. For the fact that despite she helped she could never fully be trusted after everything and well being indebted to the Ash. For the fact that I am supposedly innocent in a way she isn't. Ha. That was funny when I heard it—i believe it to an extent now. He told me that no matter how many people that I had hurt, that no matter how many people I had laid with I was still innocent at heart. A young, fragile girl with a heart who hadn't truly experienced love, or the pain of real love. He was right.

Right or not, I gave it to her. She had taken part of it without me even knowing and the rest I gave to her. Completely without reservation, without hesitation. Despite what anyone said or thought I thought she was perfect, think she is perfect. As simple as she seemed on the outside there was something beneath the surface. Something that was so-so old, so dark, so mysterious even haunting in a way and yet it was something that was so pure and beautiful at the same time. She was something so simple on the outside but God on the inside-it was amazing. I guess she is kind of like how our relationship was. Simple on the outside, something driven by attraction and lust and even friendship but yet if you look harder there was so much more there. Trust, respect, need, desire, longing, a sense of completion. We were opposites in so many ways yet kindred souls. Beautiful yet tragic.

Truth be told we should have probably never met. If not given a simple twist of fate, we never would of. I was a middle class, small town girl and she was a slightly upper class, big city girl. I was quite, shy and reserved and she before everything out going and popular. She had one fling, and two serious relationships. I had no serious relationships and a series of flings that had mostly ended up with them getting a toe-tag. She was brilliant in book smarts and knew how the political side of things worked, I'm street smart and don't have the patience for the wait and debate. But despite every difference, every reason not to meet, every reason not to be together it didn't matter. We should have never meet, nope. But we did and I fell in love. I have the shattered heart to prove it.

Shattered is the word to use, not broke but shattered. She had hurt me so much in ways I had never known was possible. The pain was unbearable, I had to remind myself to breath and when I forgot to do that Kenzi had to. She had taken something from me I can't even describe. She broke ME. It has been so long but this is one wound time hasn't been able to heal.

The day she left I kept thinking that maybe she would just turn around and look at me, look at this broken mess she was creating and she would remember how much she loved me. How much she cared. How much we had been through. That she would turn around and change her mind. That she'd drop her bag and coming running at me, teary eyed and take me in her arms and tell me how much she loved me. Tell me she couldn't live without me, couldn't take the thought of waking up without me in her life. But that is the stuff of movies and those were my thoughts, not hers'. But this wasn't one of my fantasy and this wasn't a movie. She never looked back. Never.

I've never spoken to her since that night. Hale has though. They've become quite good friends. He made the mistake of letting it slip once that she was, I'm sorry IS dating someone new. That wasn't a good night for anyone, hell it wasn't a good week for anyone but like everything else I learn to contain the pain. There have been times where I have been able to suppress everything to the point where I don't care she left me. Where I convinced myself she didn't exist at all but they were very few times most times every fiber of my being aches for her. But the times I could escape her it was never for long. I'd see or hear something that reminded me of her and just like that everything came rushing back.

Her name is Alana. I looked it up once, it mean precious-fitting I'm sure. Alana Seanna. It's a mouth full but it's pretty, much prettier then Bo. I'm not stupid nor am I a child as some people belive. I can admit now that I have no real reason to be jealous anymore. No real reason to be angry anymore. No real reason to wish that Ms. Alana Seanna would one day just accidentally fall off the edge of the earth. But then again I don't need a** real** reason do I?

I want more then anything for our situation to be different. Not just the fact that she left but everything. That we were just two normal women living in the world and there was no succubi or Ash or Fae in general. I mean after all the cruel, heartless bitch named fate had brought us together in this life I'm sure we would find each other in a 'normal' world too. But hope is useless. And dreaming of things that could never be was even more useless. It was all so useless now.

There is one question that I refuse to ask myself. One thought I refuse to muse over. If she still loves me, correction if she ever did love me. I hold on to hope that she did and convince myself she doesn't any more. Maybe she loved Alana now. Maybe they were happy and in love and having little perfect babies. But I don't care. She will always be mine—at least to me.

Another rough breeze knocks me out of my thoughts and I realize the sky is beginning to lighten. It must be around four or five now. The temperature has dropped, I can tell by the fact that my exposed skin is now pink and stinging. I can't help but wonder if he has left. It's always a fifty-fifty chance sometimes he just leaves sometimes he waits around for me to come back and he pretends we're okay. I look back up at the sky and it seems as though morning is sneaking up on me quicker today then normal.

My eyes slowly shut as fatigue catches up on me. Strangely I feel-free. There's glimpses of us. Glimpses of her but they're just glimpses. Glimpses into a life I once had. Guess glimpses is all I have now.

In everything I've never hated her. Never regretted meeting her. Despite all the pain I'd do it all again. But what I did hate was knowing that I needed her. I needed her more then I need air or water or to feed. That was the one thing I did hate. That I needed her that much. That I needed her to be—me.

Taking a breath I let my head fall back, and loosen the grip on my sheet. I let the far sounds of dawn fill my ears, the night's wind cover my skin while the whats left of the vanishing moon's light coats my face. I've tried to run from the blackness, the sadness, the void, the emptiness but each and every time I've failed and the reason why? Because she was and still is the best part of me. My happiness. My joy. My love. My humanity. My soul. My everything. I could live for an eternity trying to out run the darkness and would fail every time. So I've learned to let the emptiness and darkness in, I learned to let it take over me because if I let it then I can convince myself that I still have some ounce of control over myself.

And it was only in the moments that I let it completely take over me that I allow myself to believe one day she would came back. One day she would come back and tell me she loves me and always has. That she never meant to hurt me. That I've always been the one for her like shes always been the one for me. Only in my deepest moment of darkness can I allow myself to have genuine hope. Because in this dark, twisted cycle there is only that one moment of hope but it's enough for me to get through the day. It's the only time a smile will come across my lips.

I feel a stray tear fall down my cheek and my eyes slowly flutter open but even through the glassiness I can see the dim rays of the rising sun. And I hear tiny steps nearing the door, followed by two knocks, nothing and then steps furthering. Kenzi. He must be close to waking.

I look back up at the sky, the remaining tears fall painfully, slowly down my cheeks but I smile softly. A smile of hope.

**Continue, Don't continue? **


	2. Impossible

I dreamed of her last night. It's rare that I actually remember the dream in it's entirety although I'm working on fixing that as I am now half way through my sixth beer of the night. Who am I kidding sixth beer of the hour but then again who's counting. Not like anyone really cares or more accurately they won't say anything. Dyson prefers it true he never came out and told me but I know he does makes me easier to get into bed. Well that's what she use to say from time to time when she wanted to be playful.

It's relatively slow tonight which is rather annoying if I wanted to be alone to sulk I would have went to my secret spot. My hide away. I wanted to be surrounded by crowds of endless drunk people making fools of themselves one way or another. It was a distraction that had rarely failed me in the past. I would count the number of woman who'd throw themselves at the men and vise-versa a couple more night of that and I would have enough data for a study. Least that's what she had told me once. One of her adorable geeking-out moments she had broke down every kind of study there was and how they had to be done and how many people were needed. It's odd the things you remember when someones gone. Things you don't even remember listening to.

The sound of Vex's laughter brings me closer to reality, closer being the key word. I know hes here, normally is now a days. Him and Kenzi grew close much to Hale's displeasure. He grew rather close to her too, even speaks to her frequently. I guess I'm really the only Fae left out of the loop when it comes to keeping in touch with her. I won't lie I've been tempted a couple of times to bribe info out of Vex but what good would that do? Just give me more things to add to my list of self-pity. After all what would he tell me? How happy she is without me? How wonderful the new girlfriend is? No thanks. I'm not glutting for that punishment least not yet. I can't make any promises for the future.

Reaching over I steal his shot before he can get to it but he doesn't say anything. Doesn't even budge. Tilting my head to the side I study his face, his features fixed in a rare sight of compassion. Slowly my eyes shift to Trick's who's got a similar expression but refuses to meet my gaze while giving me a refill. Chuckling to myself I start in on my fresh drink, guess Dyson brought himself a date tonight. It wasn't something he did often but every so often he'd want to prove a point to me. Picked the wrong night buddy.

"Come on love, lets get outta here. I'll take you some place fun." snorting as I take a huge gulp unfortunately that was a stupid idea. I feel the cold liquid make it's way up to my nose. God that burns like hell.

"I appreciate the offer but seeing Dyson with whatever street corner Fae he's found for the night isn't that-" my whole body freezes before I feel myself going numb. It couldn't have been. Forcing myself I turn toward the door, toward the faint sound of laughter. Laughter I had longed to hear just once more. My eyes scan the small crowd just a few regulars, and a pretty new comer. She not there. Ha. Don't know why I thought she was.

I see her as she steps from beside the woman, her laughter filling the air yet again as her hand rests on this woman's stomach. Shes here. Shes really here in the Dal laughing and touching some woman. Shes here just feet away from me. I can see her, touch her, hear her. Her laughter calms and her eyes drift off the floor to find mine something that makes her face turn to stone.

I can't breath, I can't move. I know they're all looking at me I can feel it but it doesn't matter nothing matters in this moment. Her face is as beautiful as ever more then I could ever describe but her flawless features are so hard as she just looks at me. She isn't even looking at me, shes looking through me and I feel my heart braking all over again. I know I'm shaking now and my eyes are filling with tears since shes beginning to blur. A stray tear makes it past my defenses as I feel it painfully trickle down my cheek. For a brief second I can swear I see her face soften and it was the woman I knew. The Goddess who'd stolen my heart and soul.

For that second I'm alive again. For that second I'm alive and whole and there is no Dal, no world, no painful history just us. But it's only a second. One lousy second before I remember life. Remember that I am a succubus who had broken us and she is a human who chose to walk away. One lousy second before I remembered that nothing had changed. Remembered that a few seconds ago she was laughing and happy at someone else's words, someone else's touch. A someone else who was most likely Alana. The perfect girlfriend who she'd found to replace me. The girlfriend who was perfect. Who was everything I wasn't. Everything I couldn't be.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to be dead. I wanted her. Her touch and caress. Her lips and her kiss. I wanted her skin on mine, her body covering every inch of mine making me feel safer then anything ever could. Making me feel more alive then I ever had. I wanted the impossible.

But that was me, the lonely, stupid Fae who always wanted the impossible. Wanted to be free to make my own choices in a world that would never allow that. Wanted to be with a human in a world that punished just the thought. Wanted to be a succubus in a monogamous relationship with the woman I love in a world that was cruel. In a world that I was too weak.


End file.
